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The French vs. the SaudisWho's worse?

By David Plotz
Posted Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004, at 4:40 PM ET
Illustration by Robert Neubecker

American voters face a dreadful choice on Nov. 2: France or Saudi Arabia? According to President Bush and his allies, John Kerry "looks French"; "would let Paris decide when America needs defending"; and sits on the "left bank" of American politics.

Kerry and his cronies, meanwhile, say a vote for Bush is a vote for Riyadh. Craig Unger's House of Bush, House of Saud—one of the Democratic must-reads of the season—charges of Bush and Saudi Arabia: "Never before has an American president been so closely tied to a foreign power that harbors and supports our country's mortal enemies." The biggest applause line in Kerry's convention acceptance speech was "I want an America that relies on its own ingenuity and innovation—not the Saudi royal family."

Which bedfellow do you want? Greedy petrosheiks or sanctimonious frogs? Religious extremists or cynical atheists? Women in black veils? Or black lingerie? To help readers decide, Slate offers this guide to our so-called allies.

Saudi Arabia Saudi ArabiaFrance So, Who's Worse?
Greatest Export Oil Audrey Tautou Saudis
Favorite Pastime Shopping in Dubai Smoking, slagging off Americans French
Legal Foundations Sharia—chop off hands of thieves, women second-class citizens Code Napoléon—all citizens equal under the law Saudis
Penalty for Adultery Stoning C'est drôle! Saudis
Embarrassing Yet Colorful Public Spectacle Beheadings Topless beaches Saudis
National Style Austere conformism in public; glitzy tastelessness in private Chic elegance in public; elegant chicness in private Saudis
Attitude to Iraq War and America Opposed invasion; detest American influence in Middle East Opposed invasion; detest American influence in Middle East Tie
Anti-Semitic? Yes! Yes! Tie
Favorite Kind of Anti-Semitism Funding Hamas Desecrating Jewish graveyards Saudis
Homegrown Terrorists Osama Bin Laden, plus 15 of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers Zacarias Moussaoui Saudis
Noted American Pilgrim Malcolm X Mickey Rourke French
Famous Intellectuals Um … Derrida, Pascal, Sartre, Foucault … French
Most Celebrated Observer of America Hani Saleh Hasan Hanjour Alexis de Tocqueville Saudis
Popular Anti-American Cause U.S. troops out of Saudi Arabia U.S. McDonald's out of France French
Most Successful Joint Venture With U.S. Aramco Franco American Chef Boyardee Saudis
Great Moments in Democratic History Women denied right to vote, October 2004 Revolution ignites democracy across Europe, July 1789 Saudis
Royal Depravities So many Even more French
Religion Way, way too much None Saudis
Men's Headgear Smagh Beret French
Women's Headgear Veil And cover my 200-euro haircut? Saudis
Driving Women can't drive No one can drive; have you been in Paris lately? Saudis
Their Mecca Mecca Fashion mecca French
Gross National Stereotype Publicly pious, lazy, teetotaling, obscenely rich child of powerful ruling family—just like George Bush Nominally Catholic, hedonistic, pompous, preening, self-styled intellectual—just like John Kerry Saudis
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David Plotz is Slate's deputy editor. He is the author of The Genius Factory: The Curious History of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank. You can e-mail him at .
Illustration by Robert Neubecker.
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Remarks from the Fray:

No mockery of the French is complete without mentioning Jerry Lewis.

--Sarvis

(To reply, click here)


Ever since I was a SpaceCamper I've always thought those Saudi head sheets with the extra-thick bric-a-brac were wretched.

Not because they're Arab, rather because they all look like they're made of straight up nylon. And who wants to wear that in the desert? And they look like they'd tickle the forehead with that little fringy bit sticking out. Not to mention pinch from that black braid.

As for berets, not only are they comfortable, you can put pins on them; perhaps to advertise your membership in the Lions Club. You can throw them like little frisbees. They stay on in all the weather, yet come off your head with barely a tug. They don't leave atrocious hat hair. They're all in one piece, easy to hang on a coatrack. They come in every color from black to bubblegum. And they're unisex! Beat that, Saudis!

But seriously. Artificial fabrics, people.

--SpaceCadet

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(10/22)

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