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The French vs. the SaudisWho's worse?

By David PlotzPosted Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004, at 4:40 PM ET

Illustration by Robert Neubecker American voters face a dreadful choice on Nov. 2: France or Saudi Arabia? According to President Bush and his allies, John Kerry "looks French"; "would let Paris decide when America needs defending"; and sits on the "left bank" of American politics.

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Kerry and his cronies, meanwhile, say a vote for Bush is a vote for Riyadh. Craig Unger's House of Bush, House of Saud—one of the Democratic must-reads of the season—charges of Bush and Saudi Arabia: "Never before has an American president been so closely tied to a foreign power that harbors and supports our country's mortal enemies." The biggest applause line in Kerry's convention acceptance speech was "I want an America that relies on its own ingenuity and innovation—not the Saudi royal family."

Which bedfellow do you want? Greedy petrosheiks or sanctimonious frogs? Religious extremists or cynical atheists? Women in black veils? Or black lingerie? To help readers decide, Slate offers this guide to our so-called allies.

Saudi Arabia	Saudi Arabia	France	So, Who's Worse?
Greatest Export	Oil	Audrey Tautou	Saudis
Favorite Pastime	Shopping in Dubai	Smoking, slagging off Americans	French
Legal Foundations	Sharia—chop off hands of thieves, women second-class citizens	Code Napoléon—all citizens equal under the law	Saudis
Penalty for Adultery	Stoning	C'est drôle!	Saudis
Embarrassing Yet Colorful Public Spectacle	Beheadings	Topless beaches	Saudis
National Style	Austere conformism in public; glitzy tastelessness in private	Chic elegance in public; elegant chicness in private	Saudis
Attitude to Iraq War and America	Opposed invasion; detest American influence in Middle East	Opposed invasion; detest American influence in Middle East	Tie
Anti-Semitic?	Yes!	Yes!	Tie
Favorite Kind of Anti-Semitism	Funding Hamas	Desecrating Jewish graveyards	Saudis
Homegrown Terrorists	Osama Bin Laden, plus 15 of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers	Zacarias Moussaoui	Saudis
Noted American Pilgrim	Malcolm X	Mickey Rourke	French
Famous Intellectuals	Um …	Derrida, Pascal, Sartre, Foucault …	French
Most Celebrated Observer of America	Hani Saleh Hasan Hanjour	Alexis de Tocqueville	Saudis
Popular Anti-American Cause	U.S. troops out of Saudi Arabia	U.S. McDonald's out of France	French
Most Successful Joint Venture With U.S.	Aramco	Franco American Chef Boyardee	Saudis
Great Moments in Democratic History	Women denied right to vote, October 2004	Revolution ignites democracy across Europe, July 1789	Saudis
Royal Depravities	So many	Even more	French
Religion	Way, way too much	None	Saudis
Men's Headgear	Smagh	Beret	French
Women's Headgear	Veil	And cover my 200-euro haircut?	Saudis
Driving	Women can't drive	No one can drive; have you been in Paris lately?	Saudis
Their Mecca	Mecca	Fashion mecca	French
Gross National Stereotype	Publicly pious, lazy, teetotaling, obscenely rich child of powerful ruling family—just like George Bush	Nominally Catholic, hedonistic, pompous, preening, self-styled intellectual—just like John Kerry	Saudis

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David Plotz is Slate's editor. He is the author of Good Book: The Bizarre, Hilarious, Disturbing, Marvelous, and Inspiring Things I Learned When I Read Every Single Word of the Bible. You can e-mail him at .

Illustration by Robert Neubecker.

COMMENTS

Remarks from the Fray:

No mockery of the French is complete without mentioning Jerry Lewis.

--Sarvis

(To reply, click here)

Ever since I was a SpaceCamper I've always thought those Saudi head sheets with the extra-thick bric-a-brac were wretched.

Not because they're Arab, rather because they all look like they're made of straight up nylon. And who wants to wear that in the desert? And they look like they'd tickle the forehead with that little fringy bit sticking out. Not to mention pinch from that black braid.

As for berets, not only are they comfortable, you can put pins on them; perhaps to advertise your membership in the Lions Club. You can throw them like little frisbees. They stay on in all the weather, yet come off your head with barely a tug. They don't leave atrocious hat hair. They're all in one piece, easy to hang on a coatrack. They come in every color from black to bubblegum. And they're unisex! Beat that, Saudis!

But seriously. Artificial fabrics, people.

--SpaceCadet

(To reply, click here)

(10/22)

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