"Personalized policy for mailmen: free bone marrow transplants after dog surgically removed from ass."--Ian O'Henley

"Whatever. Any excuse to close their windows and 'gather round' will do."--Karen Bitterman (John J. Edwards III had a similar answer.)

"He has his Seeing Eye dog lick his stamps."--Steven Kiefer

"His external gills, which he swears are just accessories and not for breathing."--Larry Amoros

"Canadian-style (single-payer) Medicare."--Andrew Staples

"The nearly perfect amputation his HMO almost paid for."--Beth Sherman

"Fournier's tattoo of Marvin Runyon dancing with a topless mermaid."--Alex "Randy Always Selects My Least Funny Response; Don't Be Fooled!" Pascover

"The way he hand-cancels his Love stamp! Ba-da-boom!"--Peter Carlin

"His 33-cent smile."--Jon Greenberg

"The way Fred manages to tie up a letter with rope, magnets, and nails."--Barbara Lippert (similarly, Steve Schecter)

"That he can wear long pants to work."--Ellen Macleay (similarly leggy, T B Reynolds)

"Yesterday's postage stamp = today's appendectomy bandage."--Jennifer Miller

"The fact that he writes his mother regularly. At least, that's what my mother says."--Alison Rogers

"His e-stamp. Fournier uses the one with the picture of a younger, geeky-looking Bill Gates as opposed to the other model, featuring the older, pretty-much-the-same-looking Bill Gates."--Bill McDermott

"His penmanship."--Mark Greenberg and David Ballard

"His 'Fat Elvis' stamp tattoo."--Eric Fredericksen (similarly, Jon Greenberg)

"His ability to lick every square inch of his body."--Floyd Elliot

"The results of Fred's 'drive-by' circumcision."--Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"To beat the heat, he has decided to wear nothing but strategically placed postage stamps on his body."--Judith Spencer

"Three-month supplies of medical prescriptions arriving from Walgreens Healthcare Plus in Phoenix, Ariz. Check it out, guys, no co-pay!"--Emily Barevics

"His digital stamps. If you look at them from a distance and let your eyes go out of focus, you can see a 3-D image of Mr. Zippy."--Bruce Brown

"His 'Republic of Fred' stamps that he produces as a free, yeoman, common-law citizen."--Charlie Glassenberg

"His wounds--needle tracks (heroin, 1969), unset broken collarbone (mosh pit, 1994), and first-degree burns (pretzel stand, 1999)--from the three Woodstocks."--Brooke Saucier

"Fournier's exciting, globe-trotting job as a health insurance broker. Frankly, when you're a postal worker, you get excited over pretty much any job that keeps you indoors and warm, and away from dogs."--Tim Carvell

"Fred makes effective use of the zip+4 on all his mail."--Charles Star

"A sucker who is downright delighted to pay an additional 10 percent for postage that's not worth the price to begin with."--Daniel Radosh

"Fred has a picture of a Denny's manager, an American Airlines manager, and a black man all laughing and enjoying each other's company."--Rich DiBona

"Health insurance broker, huh? If he can screw customers on that level, I know one thing that's admirable."--Jonathan Piercy

"Postal workers admire 'the right to remain sullen.' "--Simon Nathan

"His e-stamps that promise to deliver universal health care."--Carrie Rickey

"Fred's special 'Zero Co-Pay for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome' policy."--Al Petrosky

"Fournier's draft copy of the Year 2000 Medicare CPT Coding Manual. (If you've worked in health care, you'd find it funny.)"--Alex Pascover

"His copy of MIRAMAXIM magazine."--Matt Sullivan

"Fournier's trained gibbon 'Chappy,' who hands the clerk Fournier's cash, takes the stamps in return, and applies them one by one to Fournier's policy renewal notices."--Jack Defevers

"His resemblance to the FBI's Most Wanted Fugitive No. 7. 'But I don't even own a gun!' says Fournier."--Kathy Kreutzer (similarly, David Ballard)

"So, let's go over this one more time. Someone sent that to you yesterday, and FedEx delivered it today? And they didn't lose it? Gee whiz!"--Mike Madden

"Unapologetically Armed Response Corner: Term-life policy printed on a bulletproof vest."--Ray Hastings

"His personal thermonuclear device."--Mac Thomason

"His machete. (Look, Randy, no guns! No guns!)"--Floyd Elliot

"His hot rod based on an old postal truck painted blue steel, with a semi-automatic and a laser sight!! Gun-free postal humor? Maybe in some twisted, dark, parallel universe."--Chris Epps (similarly, Gene Geer, Jay Austin, Greg Diamond, and Charles Star)

Self-Reference Corner

"Gee, when I go to the post office and the postal workers surround me, I usually have to go to the hospital afterward. I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend when she told me getting a 'Postal Workers Suck' tattoo on my forehead was a bad idea."--Francis "As God Is My Witness, I Will Not Mention Alan Greenspan" Heaney

"Add me to the Alan Greenspan's Ass list as well. If all the cool kids are doing it, I might as well do it too."--Charles Star (similarly, the cool kids)

"It doesn't bother me that I don't get the Ron Perelman and Pia Zadora references, and I'm still shaking my head at 'Eww. Just eww,' but, this whole Jim O'Grady-Ellen Macleay thing has me questioning my News Quiz sophistication. Is it me?"--Mark Greenberg

"Daniel: Har, har, Blair Witch props, that's good; Alex: No; Ellen: Section G, Row 4, The Walt Whitman Mall."--Jim O'Grady