"A shovel. He immediately started shoveling much more efficiently."--Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"A racial covenant. Wait, no."--Tim Carvell

"The neighbor's au pair. And let's not pursue this any further."--Jon Delfin (Richard Nikonovich-Kahn, Kieran Healy, and Leslie Goodman-Malamuth had similar answers.)

"It was a door key, and he used it to clean out his ears."--Brooke Saucier

"A cloth napkin, which he used to blow his nose at the table."--Chris "Whatever Happened to the Arkansas Hillbilly Joke?" Thomas

"A condom! He filled it with water and, giggling, threw it over the fence into the neighbor's backyard!"--Sybilla Mason

"Just add me to the 'similarly' list for 'condom.' Thanks."--Tim Carvell

"He used a glue gun to fasten a 'Libertad por los PR dieciséis' banner across Hillary's backside."--Sean Fitzpatrick (similarly FALNerific, Beth Sherman)

"A blank check. He handed it to a plumber."--Evan Cornog

"In the spirit of nostalgia fever and retro-is-in of late, we're bringing back the auto-da-fé."--Dave Ciaccio

"A mortgage interest deduction. He immediately lobbied Congress to raise it to 300 percent."--Floyd Elliot

"A mortgage and he passed it on to Janet Reno or some other flunky."--Ian O'Henley (similarly, but not directly adding to the attorney general's troubles, Bruce Brown and Alison Rogers)

"A new-fangled remote control; he switched to the Spice channel."--Matt Sullivan

"A vacuum cleaner with turbo sucking power."--Nell Scovell (similarly, Francis Heaney, Scott Pollino; but the upholstery attachment, Jon Greenberg)

"Garbage disposal. And he chafed himself, mightily."--Larry Amoros

"Portable, electric, cordless. 'Nuff said."--Steve Roche

"Given that he'll be living in Westchester County, it was probably an electric melon-baller."--Greg Diamond

"A legal real estate transaction."--Bill Scheft

"One of the teachers showed him how to dry out his handkerchief in a microwave oven. 'Wow,' said the president. 'That'll be great for drying Socks when we don't have the Filipina mess persons anymore.' "--Sean Fitzpatrick

"The business card of a good divorce lawyer. He gave it to Hillary to hold."--Ellen Macleay

"A combination toilet plunger/ice cream scoop."--Adrianne Tolsch (similarly, but no ice cream, Mac Thomason and Chris Brooks)

"A WeedWacker. To cut off the knees of Senate Republicans."--Carrie Rickey (same tool but put to a humiliating semi-erotic purpose, T. Liebler)

"It was an advertisement for a nude maid service."--Jeffrey W. Jaenicke

"A sense of responsibility. (N-a-a-a-h ...)"--Nancy Vogel (similarly abstract but without the typographically rendered nonverbal utterance, Russell Scott, Faxon Bishop, Mary Anne Townsend, Justin Warner)

"Apparently confused by the connotation of its name, he wants an electric screwdriver, thinking it will be useful in nailing babes around the house."--David C. Stokes (making similar puns on screwing and that sort of thing, Brad Spencer, Mark Myer, Bill McDermott, and John Foster)

"A property tax bill? A RoadKillomatic 2000 gas grill from Montgomery Ward? Some yuppie scum wine device? I know! A Restoration Hardware catalog!"--Molly Shearer Gabel

"I know it isn't a condom, and I know it isn't a chastity belt, and I know it isn't an 'I Love Dick Morris' bumper sticker, and I certainly know it isn't a mortgage he arranged for himself, so it must be a framed picture of Madeleine Albright in a tallis."--David Finkle

"An illegal domestic servant, recommended by four out of five federal judicial appointees. As to how he 'used' the servant ..."--Al Petrosky

"His neighbor's wife; he coveted her."--Ken Tucker (similarly, Tim Carvell)

"A check with his name and address in the top corner: Once out of office, he won't be able to count on various cronies taking care of his expenses. He used check No. 001 to buy his first home furnishing--a subscription to High Society magazine."--Ben Heller (similarly, Mike Cohen)

"A copy of the Ten Commandments, which was nailed to the schoolroom wall, with a plate on the back that read 'Donated by Newt Gingrich.' "--Ray Hastings

"A bong. He got stoned 'to the gills' because he is a lame duck, and 'from here on out, it's fun, fun, fun, baby!' "--Tom Reynolds (similarly, Jon W. Davis)

"President Clinton had just found the joys of a riding lawnmower. He enjoyed how the seat vibrated under him, causing naughty tingly parts to excite, and he enjoyed watching the Secret Service agents trail him through the freshly cut lawn, getting their black slacks all dirty with cut grass."--Joe Hawk

"It was a copy of Bennett's Book of Virtues; Clinton immediately hollowed out the book, and used it to hide cigars in."--Peter G. Eipers

"Clinton's childlike delight at discovering Internet porn recalled Bush's reaction to that UPC scanner in terms of being less than clued in to modern life."--Francis Heaney

Self-Reference Corner

"It was one of the excellent new fire-and-casualty policies my company offers; you can find out more about what we can do for your own home by clicking on www.thanksfortheplugrandy.com."--Greg Diamond

"What is a crippling mortgage payment? Oh wait sorry, that's me."--Jon W. Davis

"Oh, no, you can't fool me! Randy would never put anything that wide open, that easy on News Quiz. I know you're tempting me, Satan, and I'm just not gonna do it."--Kate Wing

"What is a Mexican lawn crew? Oh, wait, once again that's me."--Jon W. Davis

Extended, Maybe a Little Too Extended, Narrative Corner

"That cordless electric tool thing that nice girl who used to deliver from Domino's left behind, hmm, haven't seen her in a while, honey, what happened to the nice girl from Domino's, you know, the one with the--OK, honey, OK, no, don't do that, we'll have to get the painter back in if you do that ..."--Tamara Glenny

"Clinton was speaking about an 11-inch gratin pan, which is great for roasting chicken, because there are no corners for the fat to collect and burn. 'First you cut along the breast of the bird,' Clinton said, in his best Julia Child impression. Reporters, with the exception of Hardball's Chris Matthews, laughed approvingly."--Dave Gaffen

A Brief Return to the Carefree Days of Summer Before Settling Down to the Serious Business of the New Term Corner

"It was the goddamned screwdriver and he put it up his ass! Yeeha!"--Alfred Cloutier