"All three want Lou Dobbs--CNN as an anchor, Planned Parenthood as a spokesman, and the Museum of Natural History as an exhibit. Ta da boom."--Tim Carvell (Carrie Rickey had a similar answer.)

"Birth control, death control, mind control."--Ellen Macleay

"Crying wolf, stuffed wolf, Blitzer Wolf."--Chris Hammett (similarly, Shannon Deegan)

"One shows you how to use before you lose it; one tells you how to use it after you lose it; and one shows news to the losers."--Abba Le

"A bunch of old fossils are kept at the Museum of Natural History. A bunch of old fossils run CNN. A bunch of old fossils are continually trying to shut down Planned Parenthood. Connection? Don't see one."--Molly "This Flu Is Killing My Sense of Humor" Shearer Gabel (similarly, Dee Lacey)

"Twenty-four-hour news about really old, moldy condoms?"--Joe Fusco

"Ohmygoodness! A PREGNANT DINOSAUR???"--Dee Lacey

"Disney wants to buy them all. Said a Disney spokesman: 'It's great synergy. CNN gives us good publicity, the Museum of Natural History gives us ideas and inspiration for our cartoon features, and Planned Parenthood gives us birth control for our teen-age girlfriends.' "--Floyd "Support Planned Parenthood, Unless You Want Jesse Helms in Your Bedroom (Ew, Bad Thought, Ick, Out of My Head, Yuck, Anyone Know Brainwashing?)" Elliot

"The kick-ass dioramas!"--James Cair

"Kevin Bacon."--Jon Greenberg

"All three have complained bitterly that they were paid less than Naomi Wolf to use their special resources to turn Al Gore into an 'alpha male.' "--David Lott

"Jane Fonda--she's a staunch supporter of abortion rights, is married to CNN founder Ted Turner, and donated all the fat she lost with that first workout video to the Museum of Natural History."--Ann Gavaghan

"According to Pat Buchanan, all of them are still more evil than Hitler ever was."--Danny Spiegel

"All three use James Earl Jones' voice in commercials, although frankly, the Planned Parenthood ones, with that whole 'Luke, I'm your father' audio clip, are a tad creepy."--Tim Carvell

"Something about Hillary Rodham Clinton trying to win the Jewish vote in New York, you know, by performing an abortion in a museum exhibit broadcast live on CNN. Or something."--Doug Benning

"If the Justice Department has its way, they'll be broken off from Microsoft and spun into individual corporations."--Peter Carlin

"None of them believe GERIATRIC CONSERVATIVE HERE is a viable life form."--Matt Sullivan

"Round-the-clock coverage of Eve's fight for an abortion in her 37,000^th trimester."--Beth Sherman

"The next three institutions to have their funding withheld by Mayor Giuliani.--Robert Cohen (similarly, Peter Carlin, Deborah Wassertzug, and Dwight Lemke)

"All three are prohibited within 300 yards of a school in Kansas."--T.C. Hogan (similarly, Dee Lacey and Steven Davis)

"Jesse Helms would like to cut off government funding to all three. When it was pointed out that CNN doesn't receive any government funds, Helms replied, 'Well then, let's just burn the fucker to the ground.' "--Tim Carvell

"The museum is planning an exhibit of Live Newscasters; it's asking Planned Parenthood to cooperate by breeding the next generation of ethnically questionable thin people with perfect hair to replace the newscasters on display."--Daniel Krause (similarly, Gary Labowitz)

"CNN showed archival footage of a single, under-age, pregnant dinosaur going into a Planned Parenthood clinic. The Southern Baptists then called for a boycott of the dinosaur exhibit at the museum."--Lou Rayman

"What Willow Bay has on her résumé ... she conveniently left off that stint on NBA Inside Stuff."--Tim Lowell

"Their prices are going to be directly proportional to the temperature ...'cuz when it gets hot out there's nothing like a good lay, the Natty Museum, and some CNN, right?"--Al Cloutier

King Korner

"That Larry King. Always trying to get someone to look at his condom collection."--Kim Day

"Larry King has agreed to have himself stuffed and mounted for the museum's new display on the hazards of pregnancy."--Chris Hammett (similarly, Robert Huberty, David Lott, and Charles Star)

"Larry King. Because he's on CNN, and he's a dinosaur (or at least really old) and what with that vulturelike posture and those dreary glasses, he's not exactly an invitation to amour, if you get my drift."--Peter Carlin (similarly, Jim Derby)

Turner Corner

"Ted Turner decided that they are the only places one can view It's a Wonderful Life this holiday season."--M. Green

"The obvious connection: The founders of all three are named 'Ted,' that is unless you spell 'Ted' 'Margaret Sanger.' Then it's just Roosevelt and Turner. But I don't, so that's three Teds, and hence the obvious connection."--Wellesley Wild

"CNN reported that at a lavish reception held in their honor, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda announced their intention to donate their skeletal remains to the Museum of Natural History. Demonstrators from Planned Parenthood picketed the reception."--Jerry Leech

"At one time or another, all owned by Ted Turner."--Cliff Schoenberg (similarly, Jason L. Bakke, Mac Thomason, Daryle C. Graf, and Ian Arnold)

Who the Hell Knows Corner

"Hmmm ... I don't know. Can't we just make a joke about Bob Dole's penis problems again? That never grows old."--Mary "I Wish I Was Elizabeth Sometimes" Fee

"The sum of the squares of the cube roots of each letter in each word when added to their closest prime number plus seven equals 12. How the hell do I know? Do I look like Marilyn Vos Savant to you?"--Al Martinez

Self-Reference Corner

"They're all places I've 'done it.' "--Eric "I Am Such a Liar" Fredericksen

"All the papers in Asia are full of that whole Jackie Chan-unwed mother story. How am I supposed to come up with a funny answer when I'm breathlessly waiting for paternity test results?"--Ann Gavaghan

"For the first time while reading an article in the Times I thought, this list sounds like a News Quiz question."--Julie Anderson

Colleen Werthmann Reference Corner

"Hey, you want connections? This whole Werthmann thing is getting frightening. Oh, sure, it starts out innocently enough, with a few traded pleasantries, next thing you know, I'm on her similarly list, and the very next day, my girlfriend and I walk past her (or I think it was her) outside Benny's Burritos while she's introducing her boyfriend to some people. (We would've introduced ourselves, but we didn't want to interrupt.) What's next? I don't want this to turn into some John Woo Face/Off kind of thing. I'm too scrawny to do the stunts."--Francis Heaney