"To support the lagging rubber industry in Great Britain, automobiles will now be built with two more wheels."--Ronald Jones

"How many pints of Guinness it takes to be admitted to a soccer game."--Tim Lowell

"Sounds like the Mormons have finally made it to England."--Joe Hawk

"Tory leaders withdrew their support of (fill in the name of candidate here) in the face of renewed media disclosures about his repeated (fill in the name of sexual practice here) with (fill in the gender or name of farm animal here)."--Tom Crawford

"Due to a freak genetic mutation, Sissy Spandex, today's Page 3 girl, has been blessed with six breasts. Turn to Page 3 for Sissy's picture and bio."--Kevin Kowalczyk

"Mirror's prissis currintly unabli to print thi littir I--you know, that littir bitwiin D and F--but don't worry, though, wi'ri still obsissid with six--you know, copulation."--Bjorn Larsen

"George W. Bush plays 'How Many Foreign Countries Can You Name?' "--Steve Gozdecki

"Their Page 3 girl just shows her knockers. Our Page 6 girl is in her full splendour."--David Lofquist (Daryle C. Graf had a similar answer.)

"For years families have been living by this deserted, rat-infested nuclear power plant, thinking it would have no effect on the number of arms their children would have …"--Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

" 'We had six wonderful years,' Calista Bisek testified in Newt Gringrich's divorce trial. 'And Newt was so generous with me. I still use the salad shooter he gave me on our anniversary.' "--Tom Crawford

"Someday you British bastards will learn to love REAL football. Now, let's go over this one more time: How many points do you get when you score a touchdown? Come on, THINK! Oh for crying out loud. No wonder you don't have an empire anymore!"--Peter Carlin

"Wasn't that the photo showing the member of Parliament in bed with three sets of 19-year-old identical twins?"--Dennis Levandoski

"New Borg even curvier than Seven of Nine!"--Michael Mannella (similarly, Floyd "How Long Do You Cook a Spam Turkey?" Elliot)

"Larry King explains that serial marriage isn't so bad after all."--Harry Van Buren

"House of Lords decries bill to name the length of the average man's penis!"--T. Ferran

"Just because you are alone does not mean you cannot enjoy the pleasures of that sexual position commonly known as '69.' "--Floyd Elliot

"Shocked but seemingly joyful, British Prime Minister Tony Blair has just discovered that he is the sixth male Osmond."--Barbara Lippert

"The 1999 Amish Conference for the digitally challenged got off to a rousing start yesterday when Montgomery Freeman unveiled his new album bearing a picture of his left hand on the cover."--T. Liebler

"In a startling revelation, local dentists gleefully announced that they have found at least a half-dozen people who brush their teeth with some degree of regularity."--Larry Amoros (similarly, Beth Sherman and David Ross)

"The last six people in the United States who have not interjected 'Is that your final answer?' into every conversation during the past month grin ear-to-ear."--Andrew Milner

" 'A lot of people have really misinterpreted my trademark number,' said the Antichrist as he lowered himself into a comfy hotel-room sofa during a recent visit to London."--David Ballard

"Well, everyone knows that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9. Anyway, 6 had 7 killed by 10, was no longer worried about numerical cannibalism, and developed quite a taste for the ladies, particularly 8 (because of her figure). Anyhow, near the end of his life, 6 wrote his autobiography and, referring to his heady days with 8, titled it The Joy of Six."--Tom Reynolds

"Who, what, where, when, how, and why. These six questions have been the mainstay of journalism for more than one hundred years. In this space filler of no interest to the general readership, which I originally wrote at university, we will explore the roots of these questions, their places in journalistic history, and look ahead to what other questions could be added to the five W's and one H."--David Lofquist

"Bad news for the McCaugheys."--Tim Carvell

"Boy George says his weekly sojourn to a London bathhouse was a total success."--Jon Hotchkiss

"The year is 1999, or 'to the nines,' as in 'dressed to.' But, as illustrated brilliantly by the End of Days trailer, '999' upside down is '666.' "--Matt Sullivan

"The '70s nostalgia craze took an ugly turn yesterday when the former Brady Bunch kids--including Maureen McCormick, who usually stays clear of these reunion things--brutally murdered Danny Bonaduce and David Cassidy in a jealous rage over the recent and upcoming Partridge Family TV movies. (Ironically the first Partridge movie didn't even do that well in the ratings.)"--Danny Spiegel

"When Prime Minister Tony Blair closed his eyes and thought of England, he wasn't thinking about birth control."--Carrie Rickey

"Insiders at Buckingham Palace report that last evening HRH Elizabeth II 'just lay back and thought of England,' bringing her lifetime total times thinking about England to six."--Julie Anderson

" 'I needed the money,' Sarah Ferguson explained."--Tim Carvell

"Who would've thought that a gang brawl at a football game would produce the modern-day civil rights equivalent of Rosa Parks? Jesse Jackson, that's who."--Matt Sullivan

"What ho! It's sextuplets for the Blairs. 'There ought to be at least one future prime minister among this lot,' current Prime Minister Tony Blair said yesterday, just after leaving wife Cherie's bedside. Though surprised that they'd had no clue about the multiple births, Blair said he and his wife were glad for the new Labor votes and issued a challenge to William Hague to do as much for the Tory Party."--David Finkle

Self-Reference Corner

"Is Tim Carvell's News Quiz winning streak really deserving of international media coverage?"--Noah Meyerson

"I've been out of town for a while, so is it too late to make a joke about Marlon Brando's balls?"--Jon W. Davis