"That's the surviving Barthelme brothers, on how winning at blackjack could make them nearly as famous as their late big brother Don."--Peter Carlin

"Coca Cola Chairman M. Douglas Ivestor re 'NEW COKE' just before stepping down yesterday."--Dan Dickinson

"Bilboo Green-7, the Martian First Scientist, on the efforts to receive data from their Earth South Bronx Lander."--Floyd Elliot (Chris Clark had a similar answer.)

"Hallmark competitors are attempting to increase their market share by creating cards geared toward the invading fleet of 200-foot-tall aliens. Cards soon to be available include 'We Surrender!' 'Thanks In Advance for Not Crushing Our House,' and 'Please, Please, I Beg of You, I Am So Puny, What Good Would It Do To Kill Me?' "--Francis Heaney

"Boy, it didn't take long for that Seinfeld-Sklar love match to fall apart, did it?"--Greg Narver

"Angela Lansbury, upset that John McCain has discovered the Queen of Diamonds trick."--Mark Greenberg

"A NASA official on the probability of NASA's next proposal getting funded: Shooting an Enormous Wad of Cash Into the Heart of the Sun. 'Congress feels it would be more efficient to burn it right here on Earth,' he added."--Jay "Underfunded Oceanographer" Austin

"Bill Gates, caught in a surprisingly pessimistic moment, about the future of Microsoft."--Andrew Staples

"Andie MacDowell's publicist, trying desperately to book her client on Leno and The View in order to pump up her chances at Best Actress for The Muse. Added the publicist, 'If we can just get her out there, and maybe kill Annette Bening and Hilary Swank, I think Andie's a lock!' "--Tim Carvell

"Universal believes that bribery may yet salvage a few good reviews for End of Days."--Michael Mannella

"A Fox executive on hopes that the 'very special episode' of Action, in which guest stars Barbra Streisand and Gina Gershon make out in a hospital bed, would prevent the series' cancellation."--Paul Frellick

"Mike Soutar, Maxim editor, about the magazine's attempt to win over NOW by having 'feminist author' Elizabeth Wurtzel write an homage to lingerie in the issue with 'thinking man's vamp' Lara Flynn Boyle on the cover."--Matt Sullivan

"You coulda heard a pin drop as the Gambler (or was it the Coward of the County?) stopped ... and locked the door. Lucille sure did pick a fine time to leave."--Shannon Deegan (similarly Kenny Rogersian, Leslie Goodman-Malamuth)

"Harry Smuckerman bets the farm against Mabel Krantz's possible flush in the large-type poker game at the Temple Kesher Israel Senior Center."--Sean Fitzpatrick

"Oh, hell, Ken Starr still thinks he can nail Clinton on sodomy charges? (If only he can lure him to Georgia.)"--Floyd Elliot

"Santa and coal. Once kids learn the truth, some parents have no shot at behavior modification each December."--Ellen Macleay

"Jeff Bezos, hoping that Internet porn will put the Amazon mega-store in the black."--Norm Oder

"George magazine editor Richard Blow, on reviving the regular feature 'Ask John John.' "--Bill Scheft

"The Pequot tribe, on giant blackjack, its newest hope to save Foxwoods."--Beth Sherman

"Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan, on the proposed positioning of tranquilizer-gun snipers in the stands and the issuing of Tasers and ice picks to Bronco offensive linemen, with the hope that Denver might win just one more game before the end of the 20^th century."--Bill Sepmeier (similarly, but the Jets, Susie Essman)

"Some NASA bigwig, on the plan to send Alan Keyes back to his home planet to find out what's up with the Polar Lander."--Chris Hammett

Campaign Corner

"A spokesman for Gary Bauer, on the controversial 'Three thumbs up, Way up!' commercial claiming endorsement by the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."--Paul Frellick (similarly, Joel Lovell, Charles Star, and Timothy Surdyk)

"Donald Trump, in an effort to right the listing ship that is his candidacy, demonstrated the art of the deal by buying the rights to the Bat Signal."--Brooke Saucier (similarly, Floyd Elliot)

"George W.'s cue-card writer at the Arizona debates, trying to prove he read a book about Dean Acheson."--Will Vehrs

"Alan Keyes discussing the possibility of maxing out the credit cards to achieve an upset victory in Iowa."--Arthur Jackson (similarly but race card, Adam Bonin, Tom Crawford, and Tim Lowell)

"Political consultant Mike Murphy, spinning up John McCain's two new campaign slogans: 'We Don' Need No Steenkin' First Amendment,' and 'You Talkin' to Me?' "--Doug Welty

"Steve Forbes' campaign manager is trying to send signals to Steve's omnidirectional antenna in one last desperate attempt to initiate his blink sequence."--Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"Orrin Hatch, overstating his chances."--Miguel Gierbolini (similarly, Robert Rothman)

Self-Reference Corner

"Me, just before I used up all three of my lifelines on the $100 question. ABC, in part out of pity, in part out of embarrassment, kindly edited my segment out of the final telecast."--Tim Carvell

"Me, on my attempts to grow a beard. I don't have two months to waste."--Dave Gaffen

"How did you overhear me discussing my dating life?"--Dale Shuger

"News Quiz hacks not privy to Randy's private e-mail address threatening a moratorium on submissions. 'Just try running a quiz on just Carvell, Elliot, Sherman, and Markoe answers!' On second thought, never mind. Page 2 will do just fine, sir."--Mark Greenberg

Michael Manella Speaks for Us All Corner

My solicitor is sending a sternly worded note to News Quiz concerning the chronic rejection of my messages. By those incompetent bastards at Shining Path, he did not add. (Similarly, David Lott, Floyd Elliot, Charles Star, et al.)