articlesJokes 61-75
75) Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender turns to her and says, "Howdy, Miss, why the long face?"
74) Chicken goes to bed with an egg. They screw. Afterward, chicken lights a cigarette, says to egg, "Well, I guess that settles that."
73) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
72) A completely drunken drunk goes into a bar and drunkenly tosses a single dart at a dartboard and hits a bull's-eye. The bar owner tell him that anyone who hits a bull's-eye gets a free gift and presents the man with a medium-size pet turtle. Two weeks later, the same drunk goes into the same bar and once again scores a bull's-eye with one dart. The bartender presents the man with another free gift—a wool sweater. The drunk says he doesn't want a sweater. He wants the same gift he got two weeks earlier. The bartender says, "OK, buddy, but that was two weeks ago, and frankly, I don't remember what gift we were giving away two weeks ago." The drunk says, "Well, I remember. It was roast beef on a hard roll."
71) I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes. (Sarah Silverman)
70) My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
69) Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
68) A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
67) I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
66) Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)
65. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? (Jon Stewart)
64) What they put women through today when they're having a baby! They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn't wake up till I was 7. (Dennis Wolfberg)
63) A New York man bought a car at a police auction, then went home and found a dead body handcuffed in the trunk. Actually, it isn't that bad. This week he can use the car-pool lane. (Jay Leno)
62) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day, I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)
61) The cheapest thing my mother ever bought was the peanut butter with the jelly inside. Peanut butter with the jelly in the same jar--how low can you go? That's like buying a shoe with a sock sewn inside. (Chris Rock)
