"A casino free from chain-smoking senior citizens fouling their pants while hypnotically pushing coin after coin into screeching slot machines."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Stephen Hawking's five-night stand at the Tropicana."—Francis Heaney

"The opening of a mega-casino-hotel, to be called 'Las Vegas,' consisting of an exact 1:4 replica of the entire city itself. Nifty note: Fake Penn will be as tall as real Teller!"—Ellis Weiner

"Barney World—loose slots and 10 times odds on craps. Goodbye baby-sitting problems."—Beth Sherman

"The Vegas Embalmed Corpse Review, starring Lenin, Mao, and Bob Hope."—Charlie Glassenberg

"The Anna Nicole Smith slot machines. They only take your money if you are an old man and it never gives a pay out or a jackpot."—Walt Colt (Eric Fredericksen had a similar answer, ignoring Anna Devere Smith.)

"The Turbo-Vegas Experience: Visitors drive down the Strip, roll down their windows, and throw out several hundred dollars in small bills, thereby experiencing a weekend of Vegas excitement in just a few short minutes."—Ben Heller

"At the new Mirage West Bank, hordes of Israeli soldiers stage hourly battles with Palestinian youths to the delight of tourists who do not want to waste time in their hotel rooms watching the same thing on CNN."—Brooke Saucier

"A library."—Peter Lerangis

"An open-air park. Grass, birds, a pond, the works. The wishing well may have a cumulative jackpot, but they are still working out the details."—Charles Star

"Seder Hotel and Casino: the unleavened experience of a lifetime."—Michele Siegel

"The Jean-Paul Sartre Casino of Existential Despair. Visitors will enjoy readings from the philosopher and attempt to parse the question of whether existence precedes essence; the slot machines will be loose, the drinks will be free, but none of it will matter, since life is but an endless march to the grave. (You said 'atypical.')"—Tim Carvell

"Goldstein's new Vegas Jerusalem! Casino, where overweight midwesterners will gamble and ogle showgirls inside exact replicas of the holiest sites of three major religions."—Matt Heimer

"Just promise that this has nothing to do with Wayne Newton being naked."—Julie Carwile

"Shakespeare comes to Las Vegas when Wayne Newton and Robert Goulet co-star in a tab version of The Comedy of Errors."—David Finkle (similarly Newtonian, Sharon Dynek)

"Eszterhas World."—Matt Sullivan (similarly, Carrie Rickey)

"Flooding Vegas? You mean even the hoteliers hate it?"—Ben Sheriff

"A midwestern tourist with a modicum of taste."—Larry Amoros

"A new casino that will aim to be merely 'crass' rather than 'revolting, tasteless, and vulgar.' "—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Richard Nokonovich-Kahn and Sharon Dynek)

"Opposable thumbs. 'Now we can grasp objects and use simple tools,' he said. 'Plus it makes dealing the cards a heck of a lot easier.' "—Matthew Renner

"Donald Trump's giant halogen penis. (A golden oldie. The answer, I mean.)"—Eliot Cohen

"Showgirls will be sporting the new high-tech helium-filled breast implants from Goodyear."—Mark Romoser

"Bouncers that walk on two legs."—Francis Heaney

"Craps dealers who will tell you the proper bet amount to maximize the odds (damned if I ever make another 'two-way' bet in that place), like they do in Reno. Oh, and one-deck blackjack like they do in Reno. And casinos within walking distance of each other, like they do in Reno. Hell, skip Vegas; just go to Reno."—Steve Hellerman

"I didn't know Alan Keyes had purchased the Palomino Ranch!"—Pete Miesel

"A slot machine that actually pays off."—Carrie Rickey

"Instead of coins, now slots will pay off with a conservative blend of stocks and bonds with an eye toward long-term growth."—Vincent Basehart

"A nuclear device will be detonated in the upper atmosphere above the city, enabling the dancers, etc., to glow in the dark."—Doug Benning

Siegfried and Roy Reference Corner

"The Siegfried and Roy Live Ammo Safari."—Stuart Wade

"Siegfried and Roy's wedding. (And I applaud Mr. Goldstein's gay-friendly stance.)"—Matt Heimer

"Siegfried and Roy will be devoured by their precious white tigers. 'Frankly,' Goldstein added, 'if we can't draw a crowd for this, we should just pack it in.' "—Tim Carvell

"Siegfried and Roy will be replaced by their look-alike cousins Coy and Vance. No wait, that was The Dukes of Hazzard."—Chris Conroy

Self-Reference Corner

"Pierre Elliott Trudeau Mountain and Casino."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Mark Wade, Julie Carwile, and Andrew Staples)

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today, kidz, we're going to talk about Las Vegas, and of course Las Vegas is all about sex! But, in deference to your tender ages, all I'm going to be able to talk about is gender. Specifically, gender roles! So I'd like the little girls out there to take notes, because this will be on the exam. Get onto the Internet and look at some of the ads for Las Vegas showgirls. Memorize those pictures well. That is what you're supposed to look like when you get older. That's what society wants of you. Anything less just will not do. So be sure to monitor yourself as you grow up, and if you get the sense that you're not going to make it—well, we'll talk about surgery, eating disorders, and lowering one's romantic standards later. And boys, if you meet a woman who looks like that when you grow up, you're supposed to be reduced to a gibbering idiot and give her everything she wants. It may not make much sense to you now, but believe me, the economy depends on it. At least the Las Vegas economy does."—Greg Diamond